Express Emotions

I am standing in the bustling station in Istanbul, the sun rising over the horizon as I prepare to board the Grand Voyage Express for my journey back to Paris. I take a deep breath and step onto the platform. I'm filled with a sense of anticipation as I board the train and take my seat. I have heard so much about this way of transport, and now I am finally here, ready to experience it for myself... When I was moving to Turkey two years ago, I took a ship across the Mediterranean Sea, wanting to see the sea and its beautiful islands. So, I didn't get the chance to travel on this train. But now, I do...

The Grand Voyage Express is very luxurious: it has velvet curtains, plush armchairs, and mahogany-paneled compartments. I've never seen a train like this one before, and I feel like I've been transported to another world... Everyone on board is dressed to the nines in their finest clothing, and to be honest, I feel rather out of place in my simple traveling clothes...

Nonetheless, I am filled with a sense of adventure as the train slowly pulls away. I turn around to take one last look at the buildings of Istanbul, knowing that I will never forget this moment...

For the past two years, I have been working here as a journalist. I became enamored with the city's oriental aura right away; everywhere I looked, there were busy streets, lively cafes, and colorful mosques... I was especially fond of the city's many bazaars, where I could find anything from exotic spices to handmade carpets... and chat with locals, as well.

This city's streets were alive with people from all walks of life. Overall, while living in there, I was constantly meeting someone new and getting inspired by their story. I wrote about people's struggles, triumphs, joys, and sorrows... And actually, I felt quite privileged to be able to share these stories with the world!

It was an exciting time to be there and cover some of the most important events of the time, such as the opening of a new bridge...

Now, as I sit on the train, I can't help but reflect on what those past years brought into my life. I have come here to escape from my mundane existence in Toulouse and to find something I couldn't find there... A sense of purpose, I guess.

But instead, I found a whirlwind affair with a local man... Hamza. I became captivated with him right away, and although we started off as friends, it quickly turned to love. We spent every free moment together, exploring the city and its wonders, and he became my emergency contact in Turkey, as well. Whenever something was going on, and I needed help, I'd call him. Our love was wild and intense, and it felt like it could last forever. But instead, it all came to an abrupt end when I got an opportunity to return home for an ever better-paid job.

Hamza didn't want to go with me, and I was left feeling confused and hurt by his stubborn refusal. I tried to press him for an explanation, but he didn't want to tell me anything...

Little did I know that he was trying to protect me from his family's secret: he had a wife and a five-year-old child in his home village outside of Istanbul. When I found out about this, I was shocked... I couldn't believe that the man I had been so deeply in love with was actually married and had a kid, too! I had been completely oblivious to the fact that he had been living a double life, and it felt like a cruel joke that I was only finding it out so late...

All of the dreams I had of us being together forever disappeared in an instant, and I was overcome with rage. How could he have lied like that to me? I thought that we had something special, but instead, it turned out that I was just another one of his secrets... After the whole thing came out, I began suspecting that maybe, he had other lovers too, and it filled me with disgust...

Thank God, nobody knew about our love story; if they did, I would be so embarrassed... I was humiliated by the fact that I had let myself be fooled like this and felt very hurt by that unexpected, ongoing betrayal.

After that situation – which happened exactly three months ago - I knew I would never be able to keep feeling at home in Istanbul. Suddenly, the city I had come to love so much was no longer my home, my safe place. It became a prison, for everywhere I went, I was reminded of him and us, and this was just too painful for me to bear... It hurt to have invested so much of my heart and energy into something that was never meant to be... and even more to realize that the hopes I had been harboring for our future were nothing more than a pipe dream. I felt like I had been living in a fantasy world, and it was so hard to come back down to earth...

I was thankful for the opportunity to go back to my homeland, though. Even though I knew that returning home wouldn't heal me completely, at least my mind wouldn't be filled with reminders of Hamza...

I hide my train ticket in my vest's inner pocket and curiously look at the other passengers stepping into the compartment. They had already left their luggage here and just went for the official opening meeting of our journey. I didn't go; I craved some time alone...

The limited space fills in fast, and shortly afterward, I can hear the sounds of laughter and conversation as the other passengers chat about their travels and the sights they have seen in Turkey. I'm familiar with most, so I tune out, focusing my attention on the landscape passing by my window. We move through quaint villages and rolling hills, and as I watch them, I can't overcome the feeling that it's my last time seeing them... I'll never return here, I'm sure of that.