“Exotic Malady”

I jump into the high-speed train, letting out a feeling of relief. It was so close! I almost blew the whole plan.

Still... It isn't exactly my fault. I couldn't expect Clarita to escort me to the platform. When she said after class that she was going to accompany me, I thought that she just wanted somebody to walk with to the mall…

If it was any other day, I would've been grateful for some company. But today, I lied to her, saying I was going home… When in reality, I was about to visit another island from our archipelago… Lavana.

I felt sorry about having lied, but there was no other choice, really… I didn’t want anybody to know where I am going. It’s a private matter.

As soon as Clarita left the platform, I immediately got off the wrong train and ran into the underground passage. My train was leaving fifteen minutes later than the wrong one, so I wasn’t going to miss it… But it was really stressful. Ten minutes more, and I would be going in the opposite direction!

I move along the train's corridor, looking for my compartment. This train is much older than the previous one… The low padded seats feel hard, and the air conditioning is broken. I open the small, high-up window and catch a glance of the sea…

I'll never forget the day I first traveled from my home islet to this one, Lazeta. I was just seven back then and about to visit my relatives. Earlier, I had never been on a train, so I was really excited. I had a seat by the window and spent the whole journey looking outside at the beautiful landscapes…

I live in Subanii, a country that's an archipelago of islands clustered together in the southern region of the Suba Sea. There are several small islets but only a couple of major islands.

My friends were all born here in Lazeta, with the exception of Manuel and Lola. Both are from the third biggest island in Subanii, Lavana… Which is exactly where I'm going today.

I take my seat and hide the ticket in my windcheater’s inner pocket. Buying it was a real hassle. Very few trains travel between Lazeta and Lavana. Or any other island and Lavana, if we want to be precise.

Twenty-one years ago, a disaster struck our country. A deadly bacteria was discovered on one of the smaller islets, Laele. Afterward, it spread like fire to the whole archipelago. It was so fatal most people died within three months of contracting it.

Consequently, our country’s population began dwindling at a fast pace. Everyone hoped the plague would end fast, but it didn’t. The deadly bacteria was thriving well in the island’s tropical climate.

The doctors from our archipelago held many summits to find both a cure and a vaccine, and they did; but because our country had a relatively poor health system, and there were many patients, people still died like flies…

Over time, larger islands like Lazeta learned to control the situation quite well. This couldn't be said about the others. In Lavana, the situation was tragic, as this island has a climate that is particularly friendly to the bacteria.

But there were other factors affecting the plague as well, such as politics. Lavana's prefecture is one that seems ruled by everyone except for its official ruler, and the mafia quickly learned that the epidemic was a perfect state for conducting illegal activities. They did everything that they could to stop people from getting vaccinated. Because of their fearmongering, people got so scared to take the vaccine, or try the cure, that they simply refused them.

As a result, the plague on Lavana lasted for a total of twenty-one years and exterminated most of the island's population. During this time, the mafia grew in power… and dark and scary things kept happening there. My father used to watch the news every day to know what's going on in the country, and there were several about people from there getting kidnapped or murdered…

Now, Lavana is our country's ghost island. Only around ten percent of its earlier population live there, if not less. There's no more plague risk; however, people from other islands keep being afraid of the place. There are lots of disturbing urban legends about the bacteria morphing and becoming even deadlier or about the disinfectants compromising people's health. And those who don't believe in these things have criminal tales to dread…

Despite hearing much terrifying news about Lavana, I've never thought much about this island. Somehow, I had other things to focus on. I only became more interested in it after meeting friends from there: Lola, and Manuel, whom I'm going to meet today.

I haven't seen him in months, and now, I'm both excited and nervous… My heart skips a beat at the thought of seeing him in real life again, and especially after everything that happened between us in recent days…

Maybe, I should've told the truth to Clarita… Or some of our other friends, Diego or Anton. However, I don't think I really want them to know what's going on... Things between Manuel and I are really weird right now, and this makes me feel so vulnerable… I'd hate it if our clique gossiped about us. And gossip would happen for sure; we are a tight-knit group, everyone knows everything about everyone, and there basically aren't any secrets.

On the one hand, I feel lucky to have friends like Lola, Clarita, Diego, and Anton. I know I can count on them in every situation…But on the other, they're so loud and opinionated, especially the girls. They always joke about things that make me feel awkward… and triggered.

They will never stop cracking jokes about some characters from our favorite movies being lesbian – or gay – for one another. They aren't being homophobic; quite the contrary, they'd love to see them together.

But for me, who spent half of my life struggling with their orientation, it's difficult to listen to this and act as if it's nothing.

In high school, I had anxiety about being gay. I kept repeating 'I'm not gay' to my mirror reflection, almost as if I could persuade him that it was true... But he didn't buy it. Because he knew deep down that he was gay and no amount of persuading would make him change his mind. So he just kept staring back at me, his gaze saying, 'Who are you trying to lie to?'

He was right. No matter how often I kept telling myself I was attracted to girls and wanted to have one, I knew that it wouldn't make me happy and that I wanted to have a boyfriend.