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Zoltan

Preparing for the interview was my worst nightmare. Even though I knew, Gellert wouldn’t be able to see me, suddenly my entire wardrobe (which consisted of only five sets of outfits) wasn’t good enough. I kept looking inside for a short moment, then ended up slamming my wardrobe’s door shut. The bang reverberated throughout the house, making me cringe.

Uh, what the hell was wrong with me?

Was it the fact, that not every day a famous LGBTQIA+ activist and blogger wanted to interview me? Me! Of all people in Budapest!

Actually… no. This wasn’t the problem. Nor was it the fact that he was gay, just like me.

What made me nervous were personal questions he would ask.

Apparently, that’s was what my viewers were most interested in. They’d already seen long documentaries about my most successful videos, I’ve published them on YouTube, of course without showing my face. I bet that they slept well, listening to my ultra boring voice… Talking to the camera in an engaging manner definitely wasn’t my forte.

I shook my head.

I couldn’t kept thinking like that.

It only made my stress worse.

I brought myself a drink, and sat back down in my computer chair. I tried to ground myself, by recalling reassuring phrases. Everything will be alright, Zoltan. You will do well. Speaking, how difficult could it be? You learned it at least twenty years ago!

I chose not to call Gellert on Skype, because I simply didn’t want him to judge me on how I looked. I knew he’d do it, cause, I always did it - I judged everyone at first glance. And once I’ve made my mind about a person, I seldom changed it. I was stubborn.

But then again, if I hadn’t been, I would have never experienced any creative success.

I looked outside of the window. The sun was already setting… I refocused on my computer screen. I had a document open, with some phrases prepared beforehand. I could use them, if Gellert’s questions turned uncomfortable.

And they definitely would. I never told anyone I was gay, mostly because, I felt like nobody would really understand it. Well, perhaps ‘nobody’ was an overestimation. People I knew wouldn’t understand.

It was so easy to hide behind a pseudonym. Being anonymous made me free. I could be myself, express my thoughts, I didn’t need to constantly bite my tongue or hide. I made my videos, and my whole world revolved around them.

All of a sudden, my phone’s ringtone brought me out of my ruminations. The screen showed Gellert’s name. Which was very old and grandfatherly, by the way… But then again, who liked their given name? I didn’t enjoy mine, either. It meant “sultan” - perfect for some spoiled brat, not me.

Even though I felt tempted to reject the call, and call off this interview, I knew it wouldn’t be right. I couldn’t waste Gellert’s time like that. I had to gather courage, and answer.