top of page

Varenne Schwarz, My Unholy God

Chapter 1. Fingers Brush, Skin Burns, Fire Danger Looms

The heat was the first thing that found me — not gently, not gradually, but all at once, like a hand pressed flat against my face the moment I stepped from my father's truck. August in Dusty Creek had always been merciless, but I'd forgotten how personal it felt, how the sun didn't just warm the skin but seemed to know it, seemed to press into the pores and settle there like a second pulse. The fire danger sign at the compound gate read EXTREME in faded red letters, the metal arrow fixed in place, too stiff from dust to move even if the danger had changed. I passed it without stopping, but something made me look back — just once — at those letters baking in the light. They looked less like a warning and more like a confession the land itself was making.

My father's hand found my shoulder as we crossed the courtyard toward the fellowship hall, his grip warm and steady and familiar. "Good to have you home, sweetheart," he said, and he meant it the way he meant everything — simply, completely, as though words and truth were the same thing and always had been.

"Good to be home," I told him, and I almost meant it too.

The potluck was already blooming around us. Folding tables lined the shaded side of the fellowship hall, sagging under the weight of casserole dishes covered in foil, bowls of Jell-O salad catching the light like stained glass, platters of fried chicken and cornbread still warm from ovens across town. Women I'd known my entire life moved between the tables with the efficient choreography of people who'd done this a hundred times before — adjusting tablecloths, swatting flies, calling children back from the edges of the parking lot where the dust swirled in small, purposeless eddies. Sister Gladys had brought her famous potato salad. I could tell by the yellow bowl, chipped at the rim, the same one she'd carried to every gathering since I was nine years old. The smell of it — mustard and pickle relish and something faintly burnt — was the smell of every summer I'd ever lived.

Men stood in loose clusters near the church steps, talking about the fire danger, the drought, the cost of water. Their voices carried in the dry air; low, unhurried, the cadence of men who measured time by seasons and sermons. My father joined them easily, his hand leaving my shoulder, and I felt the absence of his touch like a small door closing. I was home. I was surrounded by people who loved me, or at least loved the idea of me — Pastor David's daughter, the girl who sang in the choir, who taught Sunday school, who had gone away to college and come back uncorrupted.

But something had shifted in me during those months in Salt Lake. Not dramatically — nothing I could name or point to. Just a loosening. A space between who I was and who I'd been told I was, narrow as a breath, but real. I touched the silver cross at my throat, a habit so old it was nearly involuntary, and moved toward the punch table.

The lemonade sat in a clear glass bowl, pale and beaded with condensation, a few slices of lemon floating like small, drowned suns. I reached for one of the paper cups stacked beside it. Another hand reached at the same moment; our fingers collided against the rim of the same cup — his knuckles grazing mine, the brief friction of skin on skin.

I looked up.

His eyes were the pale blue of a desert sky at noon. Not warm. Not cold. Not anything I had language for. They held nothing — no recognition, no curiosity, no interest — and yet the nothing in them felt vast, like staring into a canyon and realizing the emptiness had depth, had dimension, had weight. He was lean and tall, his brown hair sun-streaked and falling across his forehead. A small silver hoop glinted in his left ear. He wore a black t-shirt with a band name I didn't recognize — GOJIRA — and his jeans were torn at the knee, his boots scuffed nearly white at the toes. A raw leather cord circled his throat, disappearing beneath the collar of his shirt.

He nodded once. Took a different cup. Walked away.

The whole exchange lasted perhaps three seconds. Nothing happened. A brush of fingers over a paper cup at a church potluck — the smallest, most meaningless gesture the human body could perform. I knew this. I understood it with the rational part of my mind that had studied scripture and psychology and the mechanisms by which the brain assigned significance to random events.

And yet.

My skin burned where he'd touched me. Not metaphorically. Physically. As though the place where his knuckles had grazed mine had been branded — a small, precise heat that traveled from my fingers up through my wrist and into the soft underside of my forearm, settling there like a coal pressed into wet earth. I gripped the edge of the folding table with my free hand, my breath catching in my throat, my pulse hammering so loudly I was certain someone would hear it; would turn and ask me what was wrong; would see it written on my face, this thing I had no name for.

Nobody turned. Nobody asked.

"Daveena, honey, you alright? You look flushed." Sister Gladys appeared beside me, her round face crinkled with concern. "It's this heat. You sit down, I'll bring you a plate."

"I'm fine," I managed. "Just the drive."

She patted my arm and moved on, and I stood there gripping the table's edge, watching the man in the black t-shirt cross the courtyard with his cup of lemonade and disappear around the corner of the storage building. He moved with an economy that was almost unsettling — no wasted motion, no hesitation, as though his body occupied space with a precision that had nothing to do with self-consciousness and everything to do with something older. Something practiced over lifetimes, not years.

I blinked. Where had that thought come from?

From the fellowship hall steps, Deacon Harlan Mitchell watched. I caught his gaze as I turned — those small, careful eyes behind wire-rimmed glasses, the coffee cup cradled in both hands like a communion chalice, the smile that widened just slightly when he saw me looking. He'd seen me staring. Or he'd seen the man. Or he'd seen both, and was already composing the version of events he'd share over the phone that evening, couched in concern, sweetened with scripture.

"Beautiful afternoon for a homecoming, isn't it?" he called down to me, his voice warm and confiding in the way that always made me feel I'd been told a secret I hadn't asked for.

"It is," I said. "God's been good."

"He always is." Harlan touched his glasses, adjusting them against the bridge of his nose. "I see David's got that repairman working through the weekend. Jed something. Canby. Quiet fellow. Does good work."

"I don't know him," I said, and the lie felt strange in my mouth — not because it was untrue, but because something in me rejected it, as though a deeper knowledge had already formed beneath the surface of what I could admit.

"Well." Harlan sipped his coffee. "Small town. You will."

My father called my name from across the courtyard, waving me toward the circle of men by the church steps. I forced my feet to move. I forced my smile to hold. I shook hands and accepted side-hugs and answered questions about college with the bright, rehearsed ease of a girl who had been performing this role since she was old enough to stand beside the pulpit and recite John 3:16.

But my hand still tingled. My skin still burned.

And when I glanced back — just once, just briefly, telling myself it meant nothing — the storage shed door was closed, and the courtyard was quiet, and the fire danger sign at the gate still read EXTREME in letters the color of something I was only beginning to understand.


Chapter 2. Cold Tea, Sharp Eyes, Warning Words 

Ardith's kitchen smelled the way it always did — of Earl Grey and dust and the faintest trace of lavender soap, as though the room itself had decided long ago what it would be and had never once considered changing. The window unit rattled in its frame, pushing cool air across the small table where I sat with my tea growing cold in the same china cup my grandmother had used since 1975 — white with a border of tiny blue forget-me-nots, the handle chipped from decades of washing. On the wall beside the stove, my grandfather's photograph watched from its wooden frame: a man with kind eyes and weather-beaten hands, smiling in a way that suggested he'd known a good joke and had died before telling anyone the punchline.

Two days had passed since the potluck. Two days since a stranger's knuckles had grazed mine over a cup of lemonade and rearranged something fundamental inside my chest. I hadn't spoken about it. I hadn't needed to. Ardith always knew.

She stood at the counter with her back to me, her white hair pinned in its practical bun, her cotton housedress pressed despite the heat. She was slicing bread — slowly, deliberately, the knife moving through the loaf with the patience of a woman who had been feeding people for over fifty years and had never once rushed the process. She didn't turn around when she spoke.

"You've got that look."

I stiffened. "What look?"

"The one your mother had." She set the knife down and turned, her grey eyes sharp and clear as creek water in winter. "Before she left."

The mention of my mother always landed the same way — a fist closing around something soft inside my ribcage. I pressed my fingertips to the edge of my confirmation Bible, which I'd carried here without thinking, tucked against my side like armor. The leather was warm from my body. Inside, hidden between the pages of Hosea, my mother's last postcard sat with its faded Nevada stamp and its careful, impersonal handwriting: *Weather's nice. Hope you're well.*

"Grandma, I don't have a *look*—"

"Don't insult my eyes, Daveena. I've had them longer than you've been alive and they work just fine." She set a cup of tea in front of herself, lowered into the chair opposite mine with the careful weight of a woman whose bones had learned to argue with gravity. "There was a man here... a long time ago. Before you. Worked on the fences, same as your young man works on the shed."

"He's not my—"

"Quiet." The word was flat and final, a door closing. "He was quiet, too. Kept to himself. Did good work. Everybody said so. *Such a polite young man.*" Her voice turned the compliment into an accusation. "The Elkins girl couldn't keep away from him. She'd find reasons to walk past where he was working — bringing water, asking about the fence line, things that had explanations if you wanted explanations. And Serah." She paused. Something moved behind her eyes — not softness exactly, but a crack in the armor, thin as a hair. "Your mother watched him the way you watch that boy. Like he was a question she'd die if she didn't answer."

My chest tightened. I wanted to speak, to defend myself, to say *I'm not watching anyone* — but the lie felt too large even for the privacy of Ardith's kitchen, and my grandmother had never tolerated dishonesty, not even the polite kind.

"What happened?" I asked instead.

Ardith wrapped both hands around her tea cup, her knuckles white and prominent beneath papery skin. "He left. They stayed. Broken." She said the word without drama, without emphasis, the way you'd describe a plate that had fallen from a shelf. A fact. An outcome. Irreversible. "The Elkins girl moved to Cedar City and never came back. And Serah..." She looked at me — truly looked, with the full weight of seventy-four years of watching and remembering and never once forgetting. "Well. You know what Serah did."


Enjoyed the read? This is just the beginning.


Start an account on Hasalynx Press to finish this book

and get unlimited access to our entire library.

⭐ Get 20% Off Your First Month!

  • Help others discover the joy of reading here! Write a testimonial about our website and claim 20% off your first purchase.

bottom of page